i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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