Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
