she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
