Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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