Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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