he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
