I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
