Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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