Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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