i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
