my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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