i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
