I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
