I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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