I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
