I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
