All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
