im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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