Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
