God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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