mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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