I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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