The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
