I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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