I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And then the night went full on bisexual.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
