My first STD was from a foam party
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
