I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
