I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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