battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
