Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
