i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
