either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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