i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
they're like a gay fantastic four
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
