I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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