he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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