i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
