okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
