I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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