it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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