I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
