My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and she was petting her beer can
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
