First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
