I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
