I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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