I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
