Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
