If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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