Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just threw up on my dentist
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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