wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
