Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
