shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
