If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
