he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
