Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
