I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
